Not trying to brag or anything but yours truly has survived two raptures, Y2K, the Swine Flu, the Asian Bird Flu, the jitterbug, butterflies in the stomach, the Black Plague, polio, the Great Depression, the Great Recession, Beatlemania, 9/11, Pearl Harbor, Bieber Fever, the less popular but still memorable Beaver Fever and the common cold.
All right, maybe I exaggerated just a little bit there.
In any case, I’ve seen some serious stuff in my time and a lot of it was scarier than some antique calendar created by people who thought human sacrifice made the sun rise and didn’t even work on the Juilan System anyway. So sorry if I come off a little cocky, but, 2012, come at me, bro.
Of course, in the event that this “end of days” is actually the true-blue honest-to-Emmerich end of days, if it takes away Christmas, so help me, there will be hell to pay. I will pull a real life Paul Bunyan and sucker-punch that cosmic whatever-the-hell-it-may-be back to space or Hell or an alternate dimension or wherever it hails from.
Obviously, straight-up uppercutting Armageddon in the taint isn’t an option for everyone. So, if this really is the eve of absolute extinction for all life as we know it, it’s probably a good idea to figure out how you want to spend your last moments on this spinning blue globe.
Maybe everyone should make his or her way to the nearest Sam’s Club or Costco to load up on supplies. Or, hit up a mass Bible distribution outlet if that’s your bag… and if such a thing exists.
Lest we forget, there is always the classic “off yourself” routine which really never worked out for anyone, but, hey, it’s your choice. I make no such recommendations. Seems kind of redundant to kill yourself in the midst of an apocalypse.
While enjoying possibly the last Thanksgiving ever, make sure you tell all your relatives how you really feel about them. Then you won’t have to die with that guilt in your mind of how you never told Aunt Ethel she wore way too much perfume and gave extremely sub-par gifts. Because there won’t be any sub-par gifts this year. Only destruction.
Also, be sure to go out and run up a huge credit card debt because everyone knows that credit isn’t real money anyway. Besides, why bother making payments when an apocalypse is going down? Just don’t opt in for the online banking option because then you can’t blame the lack of mailboxes as to why the bill didn’t get paid.
Another thing everyone should definitely do post-haste is get down to the gym so everything is all tight and toned for the rapture. You want to look good when you meet your maker, don’t you? Then again, maybe just eat all the greasy, nasty, artery-clogging food your cholesterol-choked heart desires because, well, why the Hell not?
That triple-decker pizza you’ve been dreaming of, the one with a full bacon weave between each layer and a bedding of Pringles on top? Make that for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day until the end is upon us.
Because “YOLO.” Or something like that.
After you’re done gorging yourself, go ahead and quit that pesky job. Everyone knows how much of a jerk your boss is, so why don’t you just go ahead and tell him to face. Hell, tell it to his car with some good old-fashioned slashed tires, spray paint and smashed windows.
Hmm, maybe this is all just a crazy overreaction. Maybe we should stop working on that bomb shelter and just relax, enjoy the holidays and quit filling the pockets of charlatans, opportunists and 2012 hysteria-mongers with our hard-earned cash.
Maybe “2012” isn’t a synonym for “the apocalypse.” Maybe it’s just another year.
Then again, maybe not. Get ready for Armageddon, motherf***ers! Lock and load!
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The End of the World, Around the World
Mayan
You barely need to type anything more than the word “Mayan” into Google before getting a million results as to what exactly the Mayans think is going to go down this year. But when actually looking at the end of the Mayan calendar and the beliefs surrounding it, one finds there isn’t really as much apocalptic prophesizing as the crazy people from the middle of nowhere who somehow made a website with MySpace Profile Editor 2.0 would have you believe.
The truth is, no one seems to know what the hell the Mayans believed or what the calendar system they devised “means,” if anything. Unlike the Julian System, the Mayan calendar isn’t cyclical. It has a set end date: Dec. 21, 2012.
Some people are expecting universal annihilation. Other New Agers theorize humanity will undergo a spiritual rebirth. Still others say that saying the Mayan calendar “ends” is a misinterpretation of how it works.
In other words, the whole “2012” thing is just fodder for nutjob prophet wanna-bes and their doomsday delusions.
Norse
In Norse mythology, nothing is more important than the idea of Ragnarok. And if there isn’t a black metal band named Ragnarok already, then we are truly screwed. Regardless, idea of Ragnarok is just about the most generic “end of days” scenario you could devise.
Basically, there’s going to be a big battle that’s going to kill all the gods, followed by some good old-fashioned natural disasters, concluding with the Earth being completely submerged in water. When all is said and done, there will be two human survivors who will completely ignore the taboo incest for years to come and thusly repopulate the Earth.
Huzzah!
Bible Thumpers
A true classic, the Christian end of days, as described in the Biblical Book of Revelations, begins with the breaking of the Seven Seals, which unleashes the Four Horsemen. No, not Ric Flair, Tully Blanchard and the Andersons; Death, War, Famine and Conquest (or Pestilence, depending on who you ask).
Next up, the sun turns black and the stars fall to Earth. Cue some earthquakes and storms. Then seven trumpets are sounded. Cue more disasters. Then some monsters show up. It goes on like that for a while, part Slayer song, part Dio.
And everybody dies and goes to Hell. Except the believers. Because they’re better than everyone else.
Obviously.
Conspiracy Theorists
The Illuminati. The New World Order (again, not a reference to pro wrestling). Reptile aliens. Take your pick. According to conspiracy theorists, the wheels are already in motion. Backroom deals by guys like Bill Gates, Barack Obama and Damien Thorn are being hatched as we speak with the express purpose of enslaving you and everyone you love, branding them with bar codes and then marching the world inexorably toward devastation.
The Beacon is now (unofficially) taking bets on who’s behind it all. My money’s on reptile aliens.
Hollywood
Sadly, I cannot count myself among the proud few to have seen the movie “2012,” which I assume is a shockingly accurate documentary about the way the end will ultimately go down. Thankfully, I did manage see “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Planet of the Apes.”
So, with the knowledge there is going to be a ton of snow, I’m pretty pumped for a white Christmas. I recommend everyone go get a picture with the Statue of Liberty before it ends up neck-deep in sand, though.