No matter what method of tipping, make sure you do it

Nicholas Wesley, Correspondant

Maybe you’re a 15 percent man, maybe you’re a 20. Maybe you only tip your brain surgeon, or maybe you’re a Mr. Pink and just don’t tip. Who really cares how you tip, that’s a secret between you, the almighty and Darleen at Denny’s.
Is it necessary to not tip? What if the service is exceptionally lousy, then do you stick it to Darleen and not leave $2.25 behind? Maybe next time she will be more clear on what type of senior can have the senior grand slam.
But what if you’re in another country. Is it rude to tip? What do you say to the man who enlightens you that tipping these waiters will be offensive? Do you respond “Thanks pal” and slip him a five spot?
Who really deserves a tip? Your congressman? Or is that called a bribe? But they are a public servant. Shouldn’t the public be allowed to leave them a gratuity when they’ve done an exceptional job? Yes, but don’t ever ask them for anything. Do I vote with my dollar, or with my Social Security number? I like to feel I made a difference; that’s why I vote for pro wrestling.
How do I tip? Growing up as a human dynamo, I failed to learn basic division. So I like to tip like it’s the lottery. I like to round things up, sometimes you win big, sometimes you curse my name and vow to drop my skirt steak on the floor next time, only to be pleasantly surprised when I give you a little extra, for the floor grease.
But is there anything more satisfying than leaving one crisp bill on the table and walking out like you’re Don Juan?
People tell me there’s an app for tipping. Please, like I need to treat tipping like one of those antiquated, vestigial skills I’ve evolved out of, like my sense of direction, ability to keep track of appointments and memory of seven-digit numbers for more than five seconds.
What do you do when you see a donation box? Do you give your change to the saps with the bells before and after you leave Walgreens? It is cold outside.
Do you check yes on donating $3 to the presidential campaign with your taxes? Do you round your earnings up to an even number, just because they look like they could use the money?
Was your quarter the quarter that caused the rescue of that missing girl at Turkey Hill? Do you leave a penny in the take a penny leave a penny? Does that make you a socialist?
Can you really feel good when you drop that shiny dime into that platform game you see at fair-priced diners? The proceeds may go toward leukemia, but the first platform wins a free slice of pie. It’s not selfish gambling if it goes toward charity, right? Only if you lose.
Now, do you donate on campus? The library is implementing a new community coffee pot. Donations benefit Enactus, an on-campus club. They say to leave a dollar, but what’s 50 cents between friends, right?
I’m excited to see the result from this experiment; it will be a testament to the tippers and toppers of Wilkes University.
Let’s keep the ball rolling, and don’t be a Mr. Pink.
So next time you vote with your dollar, give them a little extra, they deserve it. And most importantly, tip your editors. American currency only, please.